Star Wars meets Austin Powers
By: Gabe Z.

Star Wars meets Austin Powers

By Gabe Z.


PG-13, language

I get no money for writing. Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, and Austin Powers belongs to Mike Myers, I guess.

Star Wars/Austin Powers funny crossover thingy. As always, suggestions and compliments are welcome, but flames will be put out with a fire extinguisher and the ashes will be used to fertilize the garden. Whenever "Dr." is put in front of a name, it means Dr. Evil has taken over their character, ie "Dr. Darth."

Austin Powers meets Star Wars. Righhhhtttttt. . . .

Dr. Jabba, talking to Luke as he comes into the palace- "Welcome to my underground lair. . ."

Dr. Han, telling Luke about the Kessel run- "I had to pop a cop because he wasn't giving me my props on Kessel!"

Dr. Tarkin, on the Death Star, orbiting Alderaan. "Fire the 'laser'!" *clip of Alderaan exploding in Star Wars rolls* President Bail Organa- "Damage report! Damage report! . . . was that the giant laser?" Dr. Tarkin- "Well, that wasn't it, that was a clip from Star Wars, but the real laser would look a lot like that. . ."

Qui-Gon Powers to Padme Shagwell- "Well, we can't get the hyperdrive. Why don't you just go shag Fat Watto again?"

Dr. Yoda going through Luke's stuff on Dagobah- "Mmmm! Mmm hm hm hm hm! I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!"

Fat Bastard Han to Leia Shagwell, in the medical ward of the Hoth base- "I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee!" Fat Han- "Is that all the thanks I get for a night of hot sex?"

Fat Bastard Luke, after being kissed by Leia- "Sexy man, sexy man, doin' the things a sexy man can!"

Frau Luke denying that Vader is his father- "Lies, all LIES!"

Frau Tarkin replying to Leia telling him that the base was on Dantooine- "Lies, all LIES!" *glass shatters, crewmen cover their ears and wince in pain*

Dr. Han, before he and Leia kiss on the Falcon, in the belly of the space slug- "One for me. . . and one for my Wookiees."

Dr. Han, talking to Leia after she kissed his Wookiee- "You should try the hot pockets, they're breathtaking. . . It got weird, didn't it?"

Dr. Vader, in his meditation chamber before the battle of Hoth, talking on the comlink to Admiral Ozzel- "My Lord, the fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to. . ." "Silence! I will not tolerate you insolence!"

Dr. Ackbar, rotating in his chair during the battle of Endor- "All I asked for was a frickin' rotating chair! Oooohh. Sick. . . as. . . a dog."

Dr. C-3P0 and Mini-me (Artoo) make a detour to the Death Star's laser room- "Artoo! Stop humping the superlaser!" Artoo rocks on his wheels and beeps in excitement. "Why don't you and the superlaser get a frickin' hotel room, for God's sake?"

When Dr. Han is in the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon explaining to Leia how he's in it for the money, he says, "One hundred billion credits! Show me the money! Show me the money!" Leia- "Show you what money?"

When Jabba takes the prisoners out to the Pit of Carkoon, the Sarlacc plays Fat Bastard as Luke is on the ramp- "Get in my belly!"

When the Falcon escapes from the Executor at the end of Empire Strikes Back, Dr. Darth is furious- "Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"

When the general in the Death Star conference room is dissing the Force, Dr. Darth replies as he chokes the man with a Force grip- "Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence!"

Dr. Darth and Mini-me get up on the Death Star conference table and Tarkin begins to cut it on the turntables. Darth busts some lyrics- "From the moment I heard Obi say I had a son, I knew I'd never be safe cuz he's always spoil my evil fun. I'd hoped Luke, would look up to me, return the love I never gave me and make me want to die. He could be evil, just like his dear old dad, but have no feelings too, and a little droid, named Artoo." Mini-me, in very deep voice- "Me and Darth." Luke slouches back in his chair and rolls his eyes.

Dr. Palpatine to Vader- "We will crush the Rebellion with one swift stroke" *Puts pinky to mouth*

Dr. Luke, after drinking the blue milk- "Ooh. . . sick as a dog. . ."

Dr. Sidious- "Viceroy. . . meet my apprentice. Mini-me!" *Sticks pinky to his mouth* "Mini-me, my dark apprentice, want something to eat?" *Nods no* "Not even some delicious blue milk?" *Nods no* "A tasty Bantha burger?" *No. Mini-me begins to gnaw on his space cat's ear.* "Ah! We don't gnaw on our evil Sith kitties!" *Indicates "a little bit"* "Ah! No! Just pet and stroke evil Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth."

Dr. Darth sits at the end of a conference table in Imperial City, with his advisors and generals. "I've got it! We'll plant evidence to make it look like Lando betrayed the Rebels, causing internal chaos and destroying the Rebels!" General #1- "Sir, it's already been done, it didn't work." Dr. Darth- "Shit." *Strangles general with Force grip* "Oh, well, let's just do what we always do, build a big battle station with a superlaser and blow some shit up!" *Everyone nods approval* Dr. Darth- "Muah ha ha ha ha. . ." All- "Muah ha ha ha! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Dr. Darth to Luke- "Luke, I am your father. . ." Luke- "Nooooo!" Dr. Darth- "Well, that's true, I can't back that up. . ."

Dr. Darth takes a big ball and bounces it off Tarkin- "Ha! So you wanna be the big Moff? Huh? Huh? You wanna wear the big Imperial pants? Gonna cry, gonna squirt some?" *Tarkin looks unhappy, starts to sob*

Leia to stormtrooper who shot her at the shield generator- "Ow, you shot me, you a-hole."

Dr. Han, after coming out of the carbonite- "Will somebody please throw me a bone here? I've been fricken' frozen for six months!"

Dr. Darth to Luke as he is being fried by the emperor- Luke-"Father! Please!" Dr. Darth-"Sh!" Luke-"Help me!" "Sh! Zip it!"

Dr. Darth talking to Luke Evil (Scott)- "That's why I'm calling this the "Death Star!" Scott-"Geezus, dad, you're such a numbnut!" "Sh!" "What's next? Operation Sun Crusher? I'm sure project Darksaber's gonna be a big hit!" "Shut up, Scott!" "Geez, you're such an ass."

Han Powers and Leia Shagwell are hiding outside of the shield generator, plotting how to get past the guard. Han- "Okay! How about we take a pair of vibroblades and rig them to a piece of dental floss so that when he walks there he'll fall into a pit of molten lava and melt, while chopping his head off. No, wait, that might turn him into Darth Vader." Leia- "Rigggght. . . I've got a better idea." *Unbuttons shirt* Han- "Ah. I see."

Fat Bastard Maul to Dr. Sidious- "At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have our revenge." Dr. Sidious- "Rigggggghhhhht. . ."

The droid on the sandcrawler who follows Artoo, as Fat Bastard- "By the Maker, he's tiny! Wait a minute, he looks kinda like an astromech. I'm higher on the scrap chain than you! Get in my food processor! Hey, 3P0, I got an idea. You keep your credits, you get your oil bath. . .and I get your R2. . ." Dr. 3P0- "Rigggggghhhhht. . ."

Dr. Luke, in the Wampa cave on Hoth, with his Taunton- "It's frickin' freezin' in here, Mr. Bigglesworth."

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