Episode IV: A New Insanity
By Crisi

Yes, I do know that I am insane. Any e-mail telling me this will be ignored and given to my dog to eat, somehow. This is purely for enjoyment and because I'm having writers block on everything else. I own Crisi, Shia, Aria, Kyleia and I think that's all. Mirri owns Mirri and Arc owns Arc (yeah I know, hard to figure out!) Lucas Arts, or whomever it is exactly that owns them, has all the luck and owns the rest of the characters, the movie, and half the planet. I am kind of skipping around in the script, so if you see anything filmed out of order, oh well, that's how real movies are filmed also! And I'm not including everything; otherwise this story would make a hundred pages, easy. Oh yeah, feed back goes to Crisi_83@yahoo.com. It will be answered in the appropriate manner, in other words, stupid e-mails and flames will be answered with great enjoyment on my part and probably insulting you and your ancestors back about 5 generations.


Day One

*It was a lazy afternoon, with the Young Jedi Knights and their friends bored out of their minds. Jaina and Zekk sat on one couch reading and trying to ignore Jacen who was counting the ceiling tiles out loud. Tenal Ka and Anja sat discussing how best to braid their hair. The various others in the room were either eating, drinking, and Mirri was trying to get a Sabbac game going, while lying upside down on another chair. *

Mirri: I'm bored. *She sat up stretching. *

Jaina: Aren't we all?

Zekk: Careful what you say, being busy can be just as bad.

Mirri: Oh come on, fighting the stupid Shadow Academy is better then this! *Zekk glared at her for that last comment. * Oh sorry Zekk.

Zekk: Yeah, yeah.

*Crisi bursts through the door with a bunch of papers in her hands. *

Crisi: *Grins evilly. * Hi you guys.

Mirri: I don't like that smile on your face. what is it this time?

Crisi: *Hides papers behind her back. * Um.. Nothing.. Absolutely nothing..

*Mirri manages to get herself right side up and runs over, grabbing the papers from behind Crisi's back and starts to read them. *

Mirri: What the hell???? Star Wars: A New Hope... um... Crisi, why do you have a script for A New Hope with you?

Crisi: Well... Cause I need to hand them out so all of you can learn your lines?

Mirri: Our what????

Crisi: Lines. As in the words you have to say when we film the movie.

Jaina: Um, Crisi, start at the beginning okay? I'm totally lost.

Mirri: *has a horrified look on her face.* By the sith. I thought Shia was joking!! You can't be serious! No way am I doing that!

Zekk: Somebody wanna clues the rest of us in?

Crisi: You see, Lucas came up with this great idea, to remake the original movies, but Han, Leia, Luke and all of them are getting to old. So he decided that you guys could do it!

Zekk: Okay. I guess I understand that much, but why are you, Mirri and Arc here? Lucas doesn't own you.

Crisi: Oh come on, like any fan wouldn't jump at the chance for their character to be used? I mean, Cass gave me up for a tour of Lucas Ranch, I think Em did too! Plus she got to meet the new Anakin and Ewan McGregor. there was no stopping her! I think Arc got a tour too. Anyways, I'm not in it, I get to direct!

Jacen: Your directing. oh sith! We're all in trouble now.

Crisi: *Grins evilly again. * Oh yeah, you'd better believe it!

Jaina: How'd you get to do that??

Crisi: I volunteered. I'm on the only one that did. Nobody else wants to be in charge of this loony bin!

Jacen: We're not that bad! Okay, maybe we are, but that's mostly Mirri and Arc's fault.

Crisi: Yep, defiantly!

*Mirri just grins and Arc takes a bow. *

Jaina: So, who gets to be who?

Crisi: First off, your Leia of course, and Jacen, well, he'd look great for Han, but that might cause a few problems, so he gets to be Luke. Surprise surprise. The role of Han is going to be played by Zekk and Mirri, you get to be Darth Vader.

Mirri: *Starts to laugh evilly. * Yes! Dark Side here I come! But.. I wanna be Darth Maul, I want a kick ass double lightsaber!!!!

Crisi: Sorry Mir, wrong movie.

Mirri: Damn.

Crisi: Anyways, back to the casting, Tenal Ka, sorry but the casting director decided you can't show one bit of emotion and there for you get to play minor little parts. Anja, you too. You might get to play Lando if we actually get that far before Lucas cancels this whole little project. Lowie, you're... *Trails off and checks her script again. Then looks again, and yet a third time.* Um. its seems you get to be Yoda... How that happened, I don't know. Arc, your Ben Kenobi and Palpy.

Arc: Why do I have to be two people??

Crisi: 'cause Ben dies in the first movie and Palpy isn't really there till the third!

Lowie: Who's Chewie then?

Crisi: *Looks at her script.* Oh my. they didn't.. *Checks script again.* Sith, they did.

Lowie: Who is it?

Crisi: Darky, Aria's little puppy. *Collapses on one of the couches.* Why in the name of the dragons did I agree to this??????????

Jaina: Your crazy, welcome to the club!

Crisi: I've been crazy a long time Jaina, in fact I started that club!

Jaina: *Grins.* Oh yeah, forgot about that.

Crisi: *Looks at her script again.* Lets see.. next we have Ackbar. Playing him is someone none of you know, I didn't even know him, but somehow he got assigned the part. His name is Nexkbar and I hear he is a little crazy. Guess he'll fit in just fine here!

*Leaves the room and comes back dragging a Mon Calimari.*

Nexbar: NO!! I won't go, they want to eat me!!!!

Crisi: Don't worry, nobody wants to eat you here.

Nexkbar: They want to get me in to a deep fat fryer and fry me alive.

Crisi: Uh-huh, sure they do.

Nexkbar: They want to eat me!!!

Crisi: Sure.. whatever! *stages whispers to the others* And here our wrap parties main course. *Nexkbar hears that and struggles away from Crisi, running out the door. She doesn't bother to follow him, just collapses back on the couch.* That's it. I need the biggest painkiller ever made. and I need it five hours ago! Ah!!! I wonder if Lucas has to work with such stupid actors!! *The rest of them all glare at her and she holds up her hands defensively.* Oops, sorry, didn't mean you guys, meant that idiot that just left screaming. Okay, Raynar, you're the new Ackbar.

Raynar: What?? Why me??

Crisi: Cause I don't have any good parts for you and you're the first minor character I saw.

Raynar: *Goes off to the corner muttering about calling his agent and how he didn't care if it led to the Dark Side, killing people was sounding like a very good option.*

Crisi: Oh well, that ends all the casting. For now, anyone I didn't mention, you're playing minor characters, and maybe you'll get a bigger part later. We'll start filming in half an hour, if you aren't here, you get to play Jabba the Hutt and other various fun people.. I mean.. hmmmm... things.

*Half an hour and many pain pills for Crisi later.*

Mirri: Crisi, I don't think your supposed to take that many.

Crisi: You try being in charge with these psychos and then tell me that, okay??

Mirri: Um.. okay.

Crisi: And why aren't you changed yet?

Mirri: They had to resize the outfit. I'm a lot smaller then my grandfather!

Crisi: Well, go get changed now then, okay? You're in the beginning part.

*Mirri goes and gets changed and comes out wearing the Darth Vader suit and carrying a prop lightsaber.*

Mirri: Not fair! I want a real lightsaber Crisi! Please??

Crisi: Nope, I don't trust all of you with real ones and if you even think about swapping that lightsaber with your own, your in a lot of trouble and are getting demoted to playing nameless Imperial 3 that dies a lot.

Mirri: Come on, what if I promise to kill Anja with it? I think that'd be a great revision to the script!

Crisi: *Thinks.* Hmm. tempting. very tempting, but no, I promised Lucas none of his little characters would die, well, unless it was in the script.

Mirri: Wait a sec. I die don't I???

Crisi: Yeah, but at least you get to kill lots of people in the mean time!

Mirri: Can Anja play one of them?

Crisi: Sure.

Mirri: Yes! T.K. too?

Crisi: Of course.

*Kyleia comes stomping out*

Kyleia: That's it, I quit! I refuse to put those damn things in Jaina hair for the rest of the movie!

Crisi: But Ky, you're the only one that can figure out how to do it.

Kyleia: I'll teach someone else then. I want a real part, I wanna be Palpy and take over the galaxy with Mirri! You agree don't you Mir?

Mirri: Yeah!

Crisi: *Shakes head, wondering whether killing them all would be easier then this* Okay fine, you keep doing hair, and you can be Palpy. I'll just have Arc be Obi-wan..

Kyleia: *grins* Okay, sounds good to me!

*Leaves to finish Jaina's hair and Jaina comes out a few minutes later with her hair all done.*

Jaina: Crisi!! These stupid things are hurting my head! How the hell did mom put up with them???

Mirri: Hey, this suit is heavier!

Jaina: *glares at Mir* Well at least you didn't have to sit in wardrobe an hour getting your hair ripped out! I think Ky used every hair clip on the planet!

Crisi: Stop complaining you too! *Yells off towards the dressing rooms* Get out here everyone that in the first scene!

Jaina: Hey, who's C3P0 and R2-D2?

Crisi: Um.. Well... Stop causing trouble!

Jaina: Hey, it was a good question!

Crisi: Yeah, yeah I know.. This job is just trying my patience a lot. Okay.. Let's see. C3P0 refuses to come near me since I reprogrammed him with that new attitude! *Jaina gives her a "look"* Hey, everyone was happy when I did that!

Jaina: Its not that, it's the fact you didn't make it good enough that he couldn't undo do it!

Crisi: Okay, fine, next time I'll try harder. Anyways, so he's out and Luke won't led us R2 cause he's afraid he won't be returned in the same condition he left in. *Glares a Mir*

Mirri: Hey, R2 looked good in red and teaching him the Imperial March wasn't exactly easy you know, but it was worth the look on dad's face!

Crisi: *Laughs* Yeah, that was priceless. I never though Luke could get so mad! Isn't that against the Jedi Code?

Mirri: Well, dad tends to get angry a lot where Shia and me are concerned.

Crisi: Hmm.. back to the problem of who to play them. Aria could be R2, she was complaining that she didn't get many parts. I guess Raynar can be C3PO and I can put Arc as Ackbar. *She leaves to go tell costuming her new plans a while later she comes back out with Raynar dressed as C3PO*

Raynar: This costume is too hot Crisi!

Crisi: Why the hell can't all of you stop complaining?????

Mirri: Because we love to piss you off, you look hilarious! That, and we want to be fired.

Crisi: I'm not firing anyone, just gonna reassign you. You can be the little 'things' Jabba eats.. or.. *evil grin* You can be the new hairstylist/wardrobe person! I'm sure Ky and Shia would just love to give up their jobs!

Mirri: You wouldn't!

Crisi: I would.

Mirri: Damn it.

*Aria dressed as R2 comes out and Crisi finally manages to get them all in their places and begins filming. everything goes fine.. well. for a while. You know the story.. Leia gives R2 the plans and then him and C3PO go towards an escape pod..*

Raynar/C3PO: I should have known better than to trust the logic of a half-sized ther..moc.apsulary dehousing ass..ister... Crisi! These words are too hard!

Crisi: *Shakes head and takes a deep breath before continuing.* Ther-mo-cap-sulary dehousing assister! Sheshes, its not that hard Raynar.

Raynar: Yes it is!

Crisi: *Glares at him* Okay, take 15!

*They then continue on, through that scene and on to Tatooine and then to Leia and Vader.*

Leia/Jaina: Lord Vader, I should have known. Only you could be so bold. TheImperial Senate will not sit for this, when they hear you've attacked a diplomatic...

Darth Vader/Mirri: Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on anymercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you. Wait a sec. *Turns to random Imperial number 3, a.k.a. Tenal Ka.* Kill her.

Random Imperial # 3/T.K.: What??

Darth Vader/Mirri: You heard me, kill her. Then kill yourself for not following my orders the first time through.

Crisi: CUT! Mirri what are you doing?

Mirri: Oh come on, Darth Vader should have been smart enough to kill her when he had the chance, he should have foreseen how much trouble she'd cause!

Crisi: Okay, good point, but still, you have to follow the script.

Mirri: Grrr. fine. I'll play by the rules, for now.

Crisi: Okay, take 5.

*After 48 takes, they finally get through the scene and on to C3PO and R2 trekking through the dessert, complaining all the way. After about 20 threats from Crisi and 2 near deaths from heat exhaustion, they make it through that too.*

Crisi: Okay everybody, that's a wrap for today! If you aren't here on time tomorrow, then you've got kitchen duty for the rest of the filming. Got it?

*Everyone echoes back with their yes's and one or two cuss words from people who will remain anonymous. They then go back to spend another hour getting out of their costumes and Crisi collapses in her director chair and falls asleep. *

End Day One


Send feedback to the author here.